Of all the brands we carry at work, this one has the best logo by far. How much more suggestive could you possibly be?
I had to write this essay on “Healthy Eating” for work:
Healthy eating, or the act of eating healthily, means a lot to me, some of the time. Most of the time, I guess. It’s very important, certainly. I enjoy the feeling of immortality that it gives me, imbuing me with the nutritional tools I need to fight off disease and decay.
That’s not to say that I dislike unhealthy foods, though. Take Pringles, for example. I love them. I can eat a whole can for an afternoon snack and still be craving more. Sadly, they have increased in price significantly since my chip-scarfing college days. They were only a dollar per can back then. Just imagine, a dollar! Now grocery stores rob me of $1.50 to poison myself with fatty acids and triglycerides. It’s inhumane, really.
Worst of all, though, is that Whole Foods has no copycat variety of Pringles. No, we have a billion different kinds of chips, but none of them come in an environmentally-insensitive can. Boulder Kettle chips can’t give you that “Not sure if I’m full or just getting sick from all the chemicals I just ingested” feeling. No, they go down far too easy for that, and they only have 3 or so ingredients. I like my chips to list ingredients that I’ve never heard of, like Codex Alimentarius. And do you know what else? All of our chips at Whole Foods are either made from potatoes or corn. Pringles are made out of potato flakes and rice flour. That’s a whole new breed of gut-busting junk food. We’ve got to get competitive with those guys, maybe with a potato flour and rice flake sort of chip. We could call it 365 Blingles, and it could be shaped like a dollar sign. I’ve pitched this idea to Jennifer in Marketing, but she apparently is not involved in that sort of thing.
In spite of WFM dropping the ball on Blingles, healthy eating is still important to me. I’ve found a bunch of vegetables that are palatable. If you poach kohlrabi in butter, it tastes almost like a potato. A tablespoon of salt and a deep fryer make that healthy veggie nearly indistinguishable from a potato kettle-cooked chip. If you stuff okra with cheese and fry it alongside your kohlrabi, you’ve got an entirely vegetarian meal on your hands. Now that’s healthy eating done right. Thanks to these nutritional snacks, I’ve been able to cut junk food completely out of my diet.
They say that eating fermented foods is better for your digestive system, so I often wash this meal down with a bottle of beer, which is basically fermented grain juice. I forget where it falls on the ANDI scale, but it’s near the 300’s for sure.
With this meal plan, dessert is no problem. That healthy eating survey I took way back when told me to eat more nuts, as they were a good source of vitamins and things. Naturally, they make an excellent dessert, especially when you dip them in maple syrup and roll them in cinnamon and sugar. For an interesting twist, I will occasionally bake these for a caramelized treat for a healthy alternative to Ho-Hos between meals.
All in all, I would say that I have a firm grasp on a healthy lifestyle. To supplement my diet, I exercise extensively. My main routine is to walk back and forth across the house from the bedroom to the kitchen and back. As this is tiring, I reward myself with a spoonful of ice cream with each successful lap. So far, I have walked over two kilometers since May, and I aim to walk at least one more before the year is out.
Were I a more debased man, I would start a catering company that specialized in employees who dressed in scandalously alluring clothes. These same laborers, all skilled in the art of seduction, would ply their sexual trades at events with any willing party-goers whilst also clearing tables and refilling drinks. Both servile and erotic, it would be a guaranteed success.
Business name: Fornicatering
Whilst working yesterday, I had set about measuring something the height of a risor. A passing man, upon seeing the ruler in my hands, remarked:
“Better to be the ruler of a man than the man of a ruler.”
One day, horror of horrors, he was attacked by a colormorph cephalopod which not only stole all his red but also remodeled his submarine.